Sunday, August 4, 2013

um...can you read?

Yesterday I got a response to my auto-reply on the adult site where I have a profile. It said, "What specifically are you looking for?"

Um. Seriously dude? Is English your second language? I read back through my profile to see what, if anything, might be unclear. I laughed out loud when I read it because I made some updates when I was drinking wine a few weeks ago and apparently felt a little snarky at the time.  Here's what it says:

"Please note: I use an auto-reply. I only reply to men in whom I have interest. I do not meet men traveling to my area or who live more than 1.5 hours away from me.

I am seeking a very special relationship:
one man for an ongoing friendship where we connect on a sexual, emotional and intellectual level. I'd love to find someone open-minded about forging a more serious relationship in the future.

I DO NOT DO NSA/FB. I will not fuck you on the first date. If you can't stay in regular communication with me between the times we see each other then I will NOT FUCK YOU. Basically there's a good chance I will not fuck you. I'm selective, so bring your A Game.

What can I offer you?
Physically: I'm very curvy and feminine with long wavy auburn hair and teal blue eyes. I am perfectly happy to exchange more pictures once we have established communication.

I am open-minded, adventurous, insatiable, responsive, multi-orgasmic, and I LOVE to suck cock. I am mostly submissive but I have been known to play domme with men I know very well (I have a feeldoe )

Beyond the bedroom: I have a way with words. I'm intuitive, perceptive, articulate, creative, passionate and accepting.

If you choose to email me, please include some information about yourself and why you want to meet me or what attracts you to me. I will not answer brief, thoughtless, poorly written emails. Put some fucking effort into it. Like I said, I'm selective. Stand out from the mass of dick-waving morons who typically email me.

My Ideal Person: Ideally he will be 25-45 in age, taller than me, well-educated or at least able to hold his own in an intellectual conversation, have a professional career, be in good shape (muscles are a bonus!), plus have wicked stamina and a devious mind in the bedroom.

He will also be relatively local, no more than 1.5 hours away, willing to travel to me on occasion and able to host as well.

Hey, a girl can dream, right?"

Is there any part of this that's unclear?


  1. How much more specific can you possibly be?? At least your auto reply helps to weed out the stupid and illiterate lol

    1. I love it when they don't realize it's an auto-reply. My auto-reply SAYS it's an auto-reply so if they still think it's a real message my moron alarm goes off immediately!

  2. Its pretty fucking crystal clear to me. U are looking for a fat midget who lives in Seattle, right?

  3. Oh the blogs I have read about the dreaded "auto reply". Men just don't get it. But, yes, I think your profile is pretty self explanatory. I think mine is too but men can't read them because they don't pay and the ones that can read them cant comprehend. It's a never ending battle.

  4. Interesting question, 'any part of this that's unclear?' I believe it is unclear. It doesnt state if you are looking for a man that is 5'10, weights less than 200#, has blue eyes, is in good shape with muscles, can last more then 10 minutes, has male pattern baldness, and lives in excess of 1000 miles from you. Other than putting a pic up you are fairly close to describing what you want. The answer is obvious, its me. :)

  5. Some people have reading comprehension problems, lol

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