Monday, February 2, 2015

getting what I deserve

It's amazing how negativity stays with you. It hibernates sometimes, shoved way down deep, only to spring up like a vengeful ghost whenever you let your guard down. It happened to me Big Time today and no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to shake this dark cloud of self-loathing hanging over me.

Over the weekend, my mini van pretty much bit the dust. It's 10 years old and has 154K miles on it, so it's not a big surprise. But I was hoping to drive it another year or so before having to take on a car payment. It's just not in my budget to make a car payment right now. The transmission went out and it already needed brakes and a muffler, so it's not worth fixing considering its value (or lack thereof.)

Instead of just chalking it up to bad luck and the car being past its prime, I started thinking today about how I've been quite unfortunate in all things financial in the past few years, and really my whole life, if I think about it. I can never seem to get ahead and as soon as I think the clouds are parting, something goes awry.

Today I remembered two things that were said to me a few years ago. When we had been separated for almost a year and I accidentally rear-ended someone in his car, my ex-husband was rightfully pissed off at me. And he made this comment: "When you're not a good person, bad things happen to you." Basically he felt hurt that our marriage had fallen apart, so he invoked Karma. Apparently my wreck was punishment for not wanting to be with him anymore.

A year before that, when he and I were still together, we were looking to buy a house. My parents had promised to help us with the downpayment but when push came to shove, they reneged. Do you know what they told us? They told us that maybe if we went to church and tithed regularly we wouldn't have financial problems.

At the time I thought, whoa, whatever happened to being saved by grace? And then I thought, "Who tells their adult children that they are poor because they're being punished by God?" At the time we were both state employees and hadn't gotten raises in four years. We'd actually been furloughed for half of the time we'd worked for the state. So I thought, wow, who knew The State of Maryland's budget issues were all because we didn't go to church and tithe?

Even though I know their accusations have no logical merit, on days like today I wonder if I AM being punished. Am I a bad person getting what I deserve in never being able to get ahead? Am I going to drag my fiance down under this curse?  I try pretty hard to treat people the way I want to be treated. That's what it's all about, right? The Golden Rule?  Then I wonder, is God punishing me because I am not the Good Little Churchgoer that I was for decades, even though my faith has not faltered? If I'd stayed in my marriage and in the church, would I be living in the lap of luxury right now? Or at least be able to afford a new car?

I'm a sinner, I fully admit. I try to do the right thing, but sometimes I fail. I write about sex and I am living in sin with my fiance. I broke up my family and I share custody of my children, so I'm not with them everyday. Maybe I am a bad person and a bad Christian. But it seems like there are some pretty Big Time Assholes out there living it up and rolling in dough. What do all the self-righteous, fundamentalist Christians have to say about that?

I just don't know some days. All I do know is that I'm not going to be driving my own vehicle anywhere for awhile.


  1. I can relate on many levels. I have often wondered what type of horrid person I must have been in a past life to "deserve" this one.

  2. Keep the faith in your perfect imperfection. Be the beauty that God created and not the one others want. Keep your eyes open for opportunity. Don't quit and don't stop loving. Good things will come. Big Love!

  3. I'm sorry you hurt but don't give up. You are perfect in your imperfection. Be the best you for you and not for others. God does not punish in this way, people with their judgments, jealousy and guilt do. Keep your eyes open for opportunity as they will present themselves. Big Love!

  4. For some reason this brings to mind that scene in Pretty Women. Vivian and Edward are laying in bed talking and she says (I'm paraphrasing here) that when you are told you are something or that you deserve something often enough, eventually you start to believe it. Then even when she is praised by him she states that the bad stuff is easier to believe.

    I know you have had a rough time with a lot of things and being told about your self worth. I know how that can stick with a person. The thing is, it doesn't matter if your a good person or not, bad things will happen. The true test of character is your ability to raise up from the bad stuff. Which is a trait I have seen from you since knowing you.

  5. The worst moments in life can sometimes lead to the happiest times in your life. Maybe God saved you from a car accident. Faith and favor of God doesn't make life easy. Look what Christ the most beloved son went through.

    Faith is the strength to keep going despite the hardships of life.