transformation

Many of you who know me in person or through my blog know that the characters in Mountains Wanted are based loosely on myself and my lover, or I guess I should say "former lover" at this point. Although there are some major differences in backgrounds and the physical descriptions are completely different, the basic situation and personalities of James and Sarah are that of him and me. As a matter of fact the entire idea for the book was his. He was my rock throughout the writing process, reading every word and giving me feedback. Plus he helped me with the military aspects, a topic about which I knew practically nothing before starting. I offered him co-author credits and he declined.

On Friday we headed to meet up with a friend who had won a free autographed copy of the book and on our drive I asked him if he realized that if the book were ever to become famous that his identity as the inspiration for James would likely come out. He said he was okay with that. Then I said, "Well, you're not really exactly like James. I think the main difference between him and you is that he is decisive. He makes decisions rather than letting them hang over his head. You're more deliberate and careful."

He has had a decision, not completely like James' but similar, hanging over his head for months if not years. And I've been by his side, steady and stable, giving him freedom, giving him time. Expecting that his decision would mean the end of us, but also thinking we had more time to enjoy each other's company. On Sunday when we returned home from our weekend though, he snapped.

What ensued was a scene like you'd expect between James and Sarah. Only I didn't get my last time with him. And I don't think there will be a sequel.

Of course I will harness this, this emptiness and sadness I feel right now. I will be channeling this, using this, transforming pain into beauty. Or at least trying. That's what artists do after all, isn't it?