This is the first day I have missed my blog on the adult site. I left two months ago and this is the first time that it stings that I don't have that outlet. But I have this, and I'm going to take advantage of it.
Last night I posted this on my Facebook:
Nobody cares about your problems. Nobody cares about your broken heart. Nobody cares that you've given up.
It's a message to myself to get over myself. This week has brought me big problems coming to a head and made me face things that I wanted to pretend weren't happening. It's also brought the most soul-crushing weather I've seen in awhile so that's certainly not helping.
I have big shit going down at work. Big shit. I can't talk about it. I don't even know what the particulars are yet but I've been called to the big boss' office tomorrow and I have a feeling it's going to go down. I'm paranoid. I feel like I'm a character in a Kafka novel.
And really, everything has come down to this:
I pour myself, heart and soul, into nearly everything I do, whether it's my work, my writing, or my relationships. And it seems like no matter how hard I try I never get back what I put in. So then I wonder, what the fuck is the point? Why am I trying so hard? Why do I keep giving?
The problem is that I still have to answer to myself. I still have my own standards to live up to. And I don't seem to be able to lower them, even when I'm making myself crazy.
I'm this close to checking out, but something keeps me here.