Tuesday, April 30, 2013


This is the first day I have missed my blog on the adult site. I left two months ago and this is the first time that it stings that I don't have that outlet. But I have this, and I'm going to take advantage of it.

Last night I posted this on my Facebook:

Nobody cares about your problems. Nobody cares about your broken heart. Nobody cares that you've given up.

 It's a message to myself to get over myself. This week has brought me big problems coming to a head and made me face things that I wanted to pretend weren't happening. It's also brought the most soul-crushing weather I've seen in awhile so that's certainly not helping.

I have big shit going down at work. Big shit. I can't talk about it. I don't even know what the particulars are yet but I've been called to the big boss' office tomorrow and I have a feeling it's going to go down. I'm paranoid. I feel like I'm a character in a Kafka novel. 

And really, everything has come down to this:

I pour myself, heart and soul, into nearly everything I do, whether it's my work, my writing, or my relationships. And it seems like no matter how hard I try I never get back what I put in. So then I wonder, what the fuck is the point? Why am I trying so hard? Why do I keep giving?

The problem is that I still have to answer to myself. I still have my own standards to live up to. And I don't seem to be able to lower them, even when I'm making myself crazy. 

I'm this close to checking out, but something keeps me here.


  1. Hey girlie, the site isn't the same without. Hell it's not the same even if you were there. They've made changes and more peeps are leaving, you left at a good time.

    As for what you're going thru, hang in there and never lower your standards for anyone or anything. Everything will work out, stick to your guns.


  2. Please don't ever let those thoughts cross your mind. You hit the nail on the head with *why* you do what you do, the WAY you do: You have your own standards, and have to face yourself in the mirror at the beginning and end of the day. Like you... I pour all of me into everything I do. And it never seems to be enough. But I don't sto... it's ingrained in me, and I suppose I would not change it for anything. Because I still love the heart I see in the mirror each day.

  3. You do it for you. You do it because you couldn't do less if you tried. hold your shoulders straight and your head high. You are not accountable to anyone else but yourself.

  4. I feel the same way sometimes. But I know that a) I can't lower my standards. They are my standards! And b) if I could lower my standards I'd never be satisfied.

    Keep your standards. You'll get yours one day. All your effort will be worth it.

    And I've never met a person who looks back on their life saying "I wish I'd have made less of an effort in my life."

  5. Hugs to you...it really sucks when you put your heart and soul into something and it goes unnoticed and not appreciated. Don't give up and I hope you get some sunshine (the literal and figurative kind) into your life soon :)

  6. Not sure anything I say will make you fell better. Hugs to you.

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  7. Perhaps you need to ask yourself whether you're giving to make the receiving party happy or giving with expectations to get a return?