Hello readers :)
I'm coming to you today with a heavy heart. I've spent the last few weeks in a pretty desperate state of melancholia which had two distinct peaks, one of which occurred Saturday night when I tried on a dress I ordered that didn't even begin to fit me. I know I've blogged before about my weight, and everyone has always been so kind to point out that I'm beautiful despite what the scale says and yada, yada, yada.
You know, it's not that I don't believe I'm pretty, attractive, sexy, worthy and so on. It's just that I feel out of place in this body. This size does not become me, the internal me, the psyche part of me. It's just not me. I feel like a stranger in a strange land when I am this size. I don't know how else to explain it.
I've struggled with my weight since I was about 8 years old. I was a chunky kid (although not too chunky by today's child obesity epidemic standards.) At 14 I embarked upon a rigorous diet/exercise program (read: eating disorder) and shed 40 pounds in two months before starting 10th grade. I bounced back and forth between and low of 135 and a high of 160 throughout the rest of high school. I'd just starve myself for a few weeks to get back down whenever I had gained.
After college I had kids, and that was when I was really out of control. Fuck, I ate a lot when I was pregnant. I was eating for like six people, I think. I gained 80 pounds each time I carried to term (let's not talk about the miscarriages here.) I tipped the scales at 270 in the delivery room all three times. After baby #1, I lost 80 pounds in 9 months. After baby #2, I lost 100 pounds in about 2 years (I didn't start dieting till he was 16 months though) and after baby #3, well.... I still haven't lost the weight from baby #3. I mean, I don't weigh 270, thank God (although I feel like it) but I'm sure not back down to my pre-pregnancy weight either.
So tomorrow I turn 39 years old and I have decided that I do not want to start my 40's in this body. My 30's have been a total roller coaster with miscarriages and babies and affairs and moves and divorces and heartbreak all around. In my 40's I want to be healthy and happy and I have not been putting things in place lately to achieve that. I had a breakdown on the phone with my lover last night and he has promised to help me and help himself get back to a more healthful state. I'm moving in with him next month and we're committing (not to each other :P) but to a more healthy lifestyle. I know his support will make a big difference in my ability to achieve my goals but I also need the support of my friends and accountability. That's why I am very publicly sharing all of this with you.
I'm not going to make specific goals about a number on a scale, although I will tell you that I weighed 232 this morning when I weighed myself. I just started my period and am up about 4 pounds from the last time I weighed myself. It's just completely unacceptable for me to weigh so much. I know if I commit to being healthy and actually going to the gym that I've ignored the past two months that the weight will come off. How much? I don't know. My body was never meant to be thin. Even at my low weight of 135 I wasn't skinny and still had plenty of curves.
So anyway, thank you for reading all this. My journey starts on Wednesday. I'm eating my birthday cake tomorrow and not stressing out but come Wednesday, my year countdown to 40 begins. Thanks for your help and support, friends, I know you will be an integral part of my journey!