Monday, August 19, 2013

a public confession and commitment

Hello readers :)

I'm coming to you today with a heavy heart. I've spent the last few weeks in a pretty desperate state of melancholia which had two distinct peaks, one of which occurred Saturday night when I tried on a dress I ordered that didn't even begin to fit me. I know I've blogged before about my weight, and everyone has always been so kind to point out that I'm beautiful despite what the scale says and yada, yada, yada.

You know, it's not that I don't believe I'm pretty, attractive, sexy, worthy and so on. It's just that I feel out of place in this body. This size does not become me, the internal me, the psyche part of me. It's just not me. I feel like a stranger in a strange land when I am this size. I don't know how else to explain it.

I've struggled with my weight since I was about 8 years old. I was a chunky kid (although not too chunky by today's child obesity epidemic standards.) At 14 I embarked upon a rigorous diet/exercise program (read: eating disorder) and shed 40 pounds in two months before starting 10th grade. I bounced back and forth between and low of 135 and a high of 160 throughout the rest of high school. I'd just starve myself for a few weeks to get back down whenever I had gained.

After college I had kids, and that was when I was really out of control. Fuck, I ate a lot when I was pregnant. I was eating for like six people, I think. I gained 80 pounds each time I carried to term (let's not talk about the miscarriages here.)  I tipped the scales at 270 in the delivery room all three times. After baby #1, I lost 80 pounds in 9 months. After baby #2, I lost 100 pounds in about 2 years (I didn't start dieting till he was 16 months though) and after baby #3, well.... I still haven't lost the weight from baby #3. I mean, I don't weigh 270, thank God (although I feel like it) but I'm sure not back down to my pre-pregnancy weight either.

So tomorrow I turn 39 years old and I have decided that I do not want to start my 40's in this body. My 30's have been a total roller coaster with miscarriages and babies and affairs and moves and divorces and heartbreak all around. In my 40's I want to be healthy and happy and I have not been putting things in place lately to achieve that. I had a breakdown on the phone with my lover last night and he has promised to help me and help himself get back to a more healthful state. I'm moving in with him next month and we're committing (not to each other :P) but to a more healthy lifestyle. I know his support will make a big difference in my ability to achieve my goals but I also need the support of my friends and accountability. That's why I am very publicly sharing all of this with you.

I'm not going to make specific goals about a number on a scale, although I will tell you that I weighed 232 this morning when I weighed myself. I just started my period and am up about 4 pounds from the last time I weighed myself. It's just completely unacceptable for me to weigh so much. I know if I commit to being healthy and actually going to the gym that I've ignored the past two months that the weight will come off. How much? I don't know. My body was never meant to be thin. Even at my low weight of 135 I wasn't skinny and still had plenty of curves.

So anyway, thank you for reading all this. My journey starts on Wednesday. I'm eating my birthday cake tomorrow and not stressing out but come Wednesday, my year countdown to 40 begins. Thanks for your help and support, friends, I know you will be an integral part of my journey!


  1. i joined a gym nearly 2 weeks ago and my first meeting with a personal trainer is tomorrow! so happy birthday to you, i'm workin' out too!

  2. I just found out I'm diabetic, and I'm 232 too but am aged 60. I'm thinking of going gluten free or at least eliminate wheat from my diet. Wishing you success!

  3. Congrats on making that commitment! You can totally do this :)

    About 10 years ago my parents (who have both tried every fad diet known to mankind at least 4 times) decided to stop the cycle of dieting, deprivation and binging, and committed to a healthier lifestyle...healthy eating, everything in moderation and daily exercise. My dad lost almost 100 lbs, my mom lost 60 lbs and they've both kept it off for 10 years. My mom swears the reason for their success was changing the way they thought about food, learning to moderate so they didn't feel deprived and if they wanted cake, they'd have a small piece and not beat themselves up over it. They weigh themselves once a week and if they go up a couple pounds, they spend the next week being a little more careful

  4. You know I don't generally comment here but I thought you might need some extra love today. Turning 40 can be a bitch. I made the same commitment a couple of years before I turned 40. Being with my Viking is a good inspiration since he's very exercise happy. Our decision to try to have a baby really solidified my drive to get healthier. I've gotten much better with my eating habits and more regular exercise. I know I'm in better shape than a few years ago. I'm more muscular, stronger and have much more stamina but weight wise it doesn't show at all. I know how much you struggle with this. I think most of us women do, especially as we get older. I didn't make my commitment on my blog and maybe I should have to be more self accountable. In any case, you can do. I'm still working on it. Just a small adjustment here or there every couple of weeks so that I can try to maintain the changes and keep heading towards my goal. Hang in there beautiful. Happy Early Birthday!

  5. Good luck. Even more than good luck. Much success to you!

    If I may, let me share my experience. Fifteen years ago I started a new job. Upon doing so I also started going to the gym on a regular basis. I have to say the weight has not left my body. In fact I think the yoda belly has only gotten bigger. I ran my first half marathon this summer and look forward to doing it again next summer. It is not unreasonable for me to spend two or more hours in the gym per night on more than four nights per week. What I have learned is the exercise can't be the only solution. Diet is much more important.

    One of the more important things with any goal is to state it publicly for accountability. I look forward to reading your reports. I short I'm hanging with you baby. Keep it up and you will be a ten.