Wednesday, January 22, 2014

a burning heat in the bitter, relentless cold

I'm home alone today, somewhat snowed in, my partner having gone back to work and my children having gone to their father's after 5 days here. Needless to say, it's quiet. So quiet I can hear my brain grinding through its hundred or so concurrent cycles of linear and non-linear thoughts.

I'm sitting in the living room in polar bear fleece pajama bottoms, a sweatshirt and fuzzy socks, but I'm still freezing as this window I'm by is quite drafty. There are shadows from the magnolia and other trees, their thick blue limbs swaying across the sparkling snow. The magnolia's waxy green leaves are caked with clumps of the white stuff and I feel sorry for it because it didn't really bargain for this type of weather.

There are days when it's so quiet here and I'm forced to listen to way more of my internal dialogue than I'm used to that I look around this house and gasp with disbelief. I was just reading through blog posts from last spring when I thought the demise of my relationship with my lover/partner was imminent, and there was such a deep and profound sadness to my writing, the building tide of impending heartbreak.

And yet, we endured. He chose me. And he reminds me of this all the time.

As many times as I've expressed my disbelief and wonderment, I still feel it so so strongly that it feels new every day. When I'm cleaning up the kitchen for the millionth time (a mess he made) or picking up the towels he left in the living room or the dirty socks he stripped off after a long day at work, I remind myself that this is what I wanted, this is what I longed for with every fiber of my being. And so I complete the tasks with a gratitude I doubt he will ever fully comprehend. Because tonight, lying in his strong arms next to his warm body will be all the repayment I could ever desire.

Someday I'd like to try to paint a picture of this devotion, of the depths of my love for him through some of my characters. But, honestly, I just don't know if it's possible to convey it, it burns so hotly. Not that I won't try.

I am starting Chapter Six of  Fisher of Men and I have already decided my next project. Stay tuned for an announcement about that and an official release date for FOM. And in the meantime, stay warm and hold your loved one(s) close to your heart. Nothing is warmer than love.


  1. I agree, nothing is warmer than love. I would have to say that you shouldn't have to pick up after him. :)

    1. I understand where you're coming from but this was part of my bargain with him when I almost begged him to let me move in with him months and months ago. I'm not working fulltime, he is. Therefore, I don't mind. I knew he was a slob going into this LOL.

      The funny thing is that as reticent as he was to try this arrangement, he has been most vocal about not wanting me to leave and to concentrate my job hunt here so I can stay :)

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    1. Well, I don't know if I'm a very good person, but I do try for the most part :) I am so much happier now than I've been in such a long time. It just feels amazing :D