Monday, January 27, 2014

closing it up

I have written a great deal on open relationships throughout my time blogging and authoring novels. Longtime readers know I feel most humans are not cut out for monogamy and that I believe ethical non-monogamy can be the key to happy and healthy relationships. That said, I have also made it clear that open relationships are not for everyone, and even for a couple who wants non-monogamy, it's not always the right thing all the time.

I haven't been monogamous for nearly seven years now. Sure, there have been short periods (a month or two) where I didn't have any partners other than my primary so I was essentially monogamous during those times, but I didn't deliberately set out to be. Even my current partner and I have had months where we were only with each other, him more than me, but it was mostly because opportunities and schedules didn't avail themselves.

I moved in with him five months ago and I noticed within a month that we were having sex less frequently than when I was spending two to three nights a week with him. I was disheartened but everything else seemed to be on track, our relationship solidifying in all other aspects. We are learning to be a team. Getting this house redone to our liking is definitely a bonding experience and I have been really happy with the way we make decisions and agree on nearly everything. Some of other issues we had in the beginning have been worked out through lots of communication and compromise.

But, that waning fire and passion in the bedroom was still a source of contention. I don't want to go into great detail but I have felt undesired at times. I remember thinking a few weeks ago of my past status as a top-ranked sex blogger, sharing my lascivious escapades with thousands of people and posting erotic photos and videos that garnered millions of views and hundreds of comments from horny men all over the world. What happened to that woman? I had been told that I exude sex from every pore. And here I was feeling unwanted. It felt like I had taken giant steps backward.

After some tears and discussion I made a proposal to my lover that involved monogamy and cutting out porn and masturbation for a period of a month to allow us to reconnect without distraction or competition. A month is not very long, so I suggested we re-evaluate after that period of time to figure out our next step. We're only about a week in so far but things seem to be back on track if this past weekend is any indication. Of course, I know our history and things seem to follow a distinct peak and valley pattern (hence why the mountain metaphor worked so well in my books based on our relationship!) so we'll see what happens with his work schedule changing the next two weeks.

My point, and the reason that I'm sharing this with you is to let you know that even in open relationships, that especially in open relationships, your priorities have to be clear-cut and protectively honored. As much as he and I both enjoy getting to know other people and all the spice that variety offers, we have reached the point in our relationship (finally!) where we must hold each other closest. I'm glad we were able to recognize that that time had come.

Ever wonder how I got from Point A to here? That journey is the subject of my next book and I'll be revealing the title and more information in my next post later this week. Stay tuned!

1 comment:

  1. Very good post. Thank you for sharing. I guessing that every relationship goes through peaks and valleys and for any relationship to grow and develop there has to be focus on the relationship. It would be hard to focus when there are 'outside' influences. I wish you and your lover the best in your journey and look forward to your next book.

    Thank you for taking time to share your story! Very much appreciated.