Tuesday, December 22, 2015

The 12 Messages Women Get on Adult Sites

I think I can break down about 99% of the messages I have received on AdultFriendFinder over the years into the following categories:

Note: These are not REAL messages, just parodies.

1. The Illiterate
"Waz gud babee if u lyk dis giv me a holla."

2. The Braggart
"My 2 feet long cock wants to probe your Moist Caverns of Pleasure at your earliest convenience, so let me know when I can slide this baby into you. Preferably tonight."

3. The Long Distance Runner
"I know I live 3000 miles from you, but maybe we could just Skype? I'm sure your highest aspiration in life has always been to have an awkward, fruitless webcam session with a complete stranger who lives on the other side of the country."

4. The Apologist
"I don't match any of your preferences, so I'm very sorry, but I just had to write you on the off chance that you're bored, desperate, and have exhausted the pool of suitable candidates. Please write back and I can further confirm that I'm totally wrong for you."

5. The Flatterer
"You are hands-down the most beautiful, angelic, desirable creature that God in Heaven has ever put on the Good Green Earth, and I would never be able to live with myself if I didn't seek a tiny golden chance to worship at the altar of your Goddessy Awesomeness."

6. The Insulter
"I don't have any interest in you whatsoever because you are too fat, ugly, and boring, but I still felt compelled to write you because you are ruining my aesthetic experience of this website just by having a profile here. Once again, I AM NOT INTERESTED so fuck off."

7. The Conquistador
"I am attaching this photo of my Glorious Purple-Headed Warrior who has never been defeated in battle and whose prowess is renowned throughout the universe. I know when you see this Massive Weapon of Fuckstruction, you will immediately lose control of all your mental and physical faculties and desire, nay DEMAND that this soldier go to war on your hopelessly wanton and fertile soil."

8. The Entitled Traveler
"Hey baby, I don't have a photo or anything but I'm going to be in your town tonight. I'm staying at the Hilton in room 574. By virtue of your being on this site, it is your civic duty to welcome me to your neck of the woods by showing up around nine o'clock and sucking my cock?"

9. The Punctuation Enthusiast
"OMFG!!! I just spooged all over my keyboard because your pics are fucking amazing!!! OMFG I just can't even!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

10. The Weird Fetishist
"Hey just wondering if you are into men who like to have their pubic hair pulled and nut-sacks twisted whilst being smacked on the ass with a large, pine switch. Me wearing diapers and a bib is completely optional. I can also take a cucumber up the ass. Or a can of whipped cream. Totally your choice. You know, if you're into that sort of thing."

11. The Job Seeker
"I'm 6'2", 185 pounds, truly a perfect male specimen with six pack abs, a full head of hair, straight white teeth and piercing blue eyes. I am a heart surgeon, a former Army Ranger and Olympian, and I speak six languages. I am also a MENSA member and in my spare time I rescue and rehome abandoned puppies."

12. The Honest-to-God Prospect
"Hi, I read your profile and it seems like we are looking for the same things. I'm open-minded and local to you, and would love to meet for a drink to see if we click. Please look at my fully filled-out profile and let me know if you have any interest. Oh, and here's a recent photo that shows my face."

Ever seen any of these? Ever sent any of them?


  1. I think you nailed it!! I have one of every kind.

  2. Absolutely loved this. I think I would be the one that you do not see.. the one that is scared to post anything. HAHA...