fake it till I make it

Note: I wrote this for my blog over on the adult site, but I thought it was worth sharing here as well :)

So I have this friend who is a photographer. He does mostly nature and journalistic type stuff and has provided me with many images for my book promotion (mainly photos to serve as backgrounds for "teasers," which have a bit of text from the book on them and help spark interest amongst readers.) He is trying to break into more portraiture and even boudoir photography. Guess who he wants to practice on?

It works out well because I need some new shots for my redesigned website that's coming soon. And also I have an idea for a cover for my upcoming project Unlaced.

BUT, and you knew there would be a big but, right? (and not just my own)

I have not been feeling at all photo-worthy in the last few months. I have had a lot of commenters asking if I've lost weight and the sad truth is that I have not. I have actually gained some weight since I left here (about 10 pounds I think and although not highly noticeable to most, it is VERY noticeable to me.) Add that to the fact that my face has been breaking out for the last couple of weeks and well, I'm feeling anything but confident right now.

I kept putting him off, every week rescheduling for the following week hoping that I would feel more like being in front of the camera. He's been extremely patient with me. This week I moved our shoot from Tuesday to today and I told him, "Look, just make me do it this time. This is more about you getting to practice than anything and well, if nothing else, you'll get a great opportunity to hone your photoshopping skills."

So I'm trying to get my house ready for that this morning but seriously? I am NOT feeling it. Maybe once I get my hair and makeup done and I'm all gussied up I'll feel sexy but I'm certainly not counting on it. Maybe when we lace up that corset (I haven't worn one for months), the sexiness will start oozing out of me but honestly, I highly doubt it.

I know I've gotten both kudos and criticisms for flaunting my body here, but the truth is that sometimes just making yourself show your body, even if it's not as perfect as you'd like is a good exercise toward acceptance. To hear that others approve is only icing on the cake. In the past, there was one particularly hateful commenter who posted really nasty, hurtful things about me being an attention whore and narcissist (plus I think she called me fat in every possible way) but that goes with the territory too.

I think it takes a lot of courage to show yourself off and to work toward acceptance. A lot of us cower away behind layers of fabric (and to be honest, that's what I've been doing the past several months) but now it's time for me to peel away the layers and find that essence of my beauty buried deep down there; it's not in my size, it's in the way I carry myself.

So today...I'm going to fake it till I make it.